Safety Bucket

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There have been some times in my life recently when I just needed to vent about life’s deeper issues. This will be the spot for that. This is MY place to be ME without being judged, so please don’t leave comments in this section. It’s my “safe” place to journal in. More to come…
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POST #3 – Is Investing Necessary?

If you were given the choice, which would you choose?

1. You could stretch out pennies over a 30 day period, doubling the amount each day. (i.e. 2 pennies on day one, 4 pennies on day two, 8 pennies on day three, 16 pennies on day four, etc.)

OR…

2. You could take $200,000 cash up front and be done with it.

Make up your mind? I don’t know about you, but I’m all for cashing in on the $200,000!! I hate to wait it out when it comes to money. I am just not patient enough. But the truth is, if you would decide to do the first option with the pennies, you would end up with MILLIONS. It’s so crazy! Do it on the calculator sometime…it really does work! By day 15, you start to get a little discouraged maybe. You might start thinking, is this really worth the investment? Is this really going to pay off in the end? But once you pass day 15, the big bucks start to really add up. After 30 days you would have $1,073,741,824 worth of pennies — That’s what investing does….it pays off.

As someone was telling me this tonight, I was thinking about my life with Jesus. I sometimes get caught up in the blessings of today and I forget about the bigger picture. I sometimes start worrying about the now, and forget about how it effects the tomorrow. I want it all right now. Don’t you? I want God to bless me immensely and without hesitation. Whether I have put any effort in to it or not. I mean, doesn’t he OWE it to me?

There is a great scripture that talks about this very thing. It’s found in 2Peter 1:5-11. It reads as follows:
“For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love.”

These are investments that we have to make in our lives. If we want to reach the “greatest among these” (which happens to be LOVE according to 1Cor. 13:13), then we must be willing to follow this example that Peter has laid out for us. We have to see ourselves as the continuous student. Our faith is an unending process of growth and maturation. If we think we know it all, then we are only showing how little we know. ( I don’t think that it’s a coincidence that Peter lists the word ‘love’ at the end of the verse.)
Christian leaders are constantly teaching followers of Christ to ‘love the world as Christ loved’. What does that mean exactly? Well, in order to know…and I mean really know…we have to invest in a true and sincere relationship with Jesus. It seems simple, but it’s far from that. So I’m asking myself now…how much am I willing to invest? Maybe you should ask yourself that too.

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update on POST #2– after writing this post today, and then going on with the day as usual; which means since it’s saturday that i pretty much did nothing other than clean house and then lay on my couch with Selah and Avery; God did something.
Andy got a call from a church that is about 20 minutes from where we live. They are looking for a music minister and Andy was interested in it a while back, but never really pursued it. Then since I took a job at our church, we just let it go. The minister has left about three messages on his cell in the past few months, and then one again today. Why would he keep calling Andy if there has been no efforts on Andy’s part to return the call? Why would he be interested in Andy still? Wouldn’t he see Andy as irresponsible since he never returned the call at all? Or is it bigger than that? Is God trying to answer Andy’s prayer? Is God showing Andy that the door is still open if he is willing? I’m not sure. Whatever it is….I know that Andy is going to be looking in to it this week. Pray with us. Just thought it was interesting that he got a call…TODAY….of all days….when we needed it the most….thank you God

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POST #2: Dealing with Leadership–
(REMEMBER–THiS IS MY SAFE ZONE TO VENT IN! NO JUDGEMENTS!!)
I have been really struggling with a lot of different areas dealing with leadership. I have been feeling it for about four years now, actually. When I was younger, and I mean, high school age, I was told by a few close lady-mentors of mine that I would “one day be a great leader”. I was always babysitting everyone’s kids in the church, and I was probably one of the leading youth in our group at the time (even though I probably shouldn’t have been!). I loved my youth group. We had a great group of kids, and today, looking at them all, it amazes me to see so many of them in leadership roles within the Kingdom. I can even name off some for you: Wade is in ministry, his sister Tricia is married to a minister, his other sister Gina married a minister, Nicole is an administrator in our youth dept. at the church, Kristi married a minister, Jake became a minister, Chad is very actively involved with different missions, Josh is an ordained minister working with FCA, and the list just goes on and on. I felt very proud to be one of the group as I walked right into the arms of a man heading towards youth ministry. I went forward as a senior, during a CIY conference, and gave my life to God fully. I made a promise to God to serve and obey Him for the rest of my life, and asked Him to place me in a role of leadership for His purpose. I moved to Mexico following graduation, and began working as a missionary. It was the best experience of my life, and I will always have a special place in my heart for those people that I served while I was there. I left there to go to a christian college, where I met Andy, and the story of our life together begins from there… and here we are….ten years and four kids later….
So, what happened? As I look at my life now, and I analyze where I am with everything, I am saddened. I have a deep desire to live out my promise of serving God, but feel that I have no place anymore in the local church. I feel that the passions God placed in my heart have been trampled on too much and deep scars have built a wall of bitterness, a wall of fear, and a wall of pain that I just can’t seem to overcome.
I am working in the office setting now (at the church), and I absolutely love it. But my heart aches every day knowing that I was called to do something different. Knowing that my husband and I were put together for a purpose, and we can not seem to find it. My heart hurts for my husband as he struggles to find his place in life and in the church. He feels so much rejection from the christian body and it kills me! Why do we treat people like that? Why do we take fully capable people and make them believe that they are worthless? I hate that!
Our leaders in the church are trying. I will give them that. I have felt a sense of sincerity from most of them. A few, however, well, they will always be the way they are and I am learning to deal with it. I just wish that the leaders would find people like me and like my husband and make them feel wanted. Make them feel needed. Make them feel worthy again. Restore them.
I guess through all of this, I am slowly learning that my faith is in God, and not in the church. Not in people. Not in events. Not in Friends. Not in volunteering. None of that. My faith is my responsibility. Nobody else’s. I need to lean on God and ask HIM to restore me. So that is what this ranting is for today. I am crying out to God right now…asking Him to help me find my place in the Kingdom. I can’t believe that God would put this desire in my heart for nothing. And no matter how hard Andy and I try to ignore it, or pretend that we don’t want it, we have it …and it’s LOUDLY knocking on our hearts every day.

my prayer:
Jesus, I am crying out to you in pain today. This prayer is for you and no one else. This prayer is from deep within my soul and I am begging you to please deliver me from this hollow feeling. I know you love me, I get that. I know you care about my husband, too. I get that. But what I don’t get is why you would put us together and give both of us such deep passions for working with youth and with hurting people, but then open no doors for us to serve on a full time basis. Why God? Why do we have this passion? Why can we not be content in a ‘normal’ life outside of ministry? Why can we not be happy to have insurance, to have ‘things’, to have great vacations every year? Why is that not enough for us?? I don’t get it. I try so hard to just accept our new life and move forward, but I can’t. I feel this constant tugging on my heart that tells me I am in the wrong place doing the wrong things. I know that you want something more from our family–we have always known that our family was different than most. We have always seen the impact that our family makes on others. We know you use us still, but we aren’t content. Why? What is it that you want from us? What more do we have to learn? Why must we stay here where it is a constant reminder of how we are unloved/unwanted? Lord, I want my husband to find happiness in serving you. I want so badly for him to have a place in this church…or another…and he is really hurting. Please wrap your arms around him and walk him back to the Cross. I am saddened by the way others have treated him and have just assumed that he is capable of nothing. Love him…please. Show us your will Lord. Show us where to go. We are willing to do whatever you want….we just feel like you don’t want us to do anything. Are we all washed up and no good anymore? That’s how I feel right now. Love me, too, Lord. I need it now.
I have young people begging for me to help them, but at the same time, I have others telling me to back off and let the ‘leaders’ handle it. What is the right thing? Do I trust that you will not let those young people fall away? I am scared for them. I grew up here, and I know the temptations that this town has in it. I fell many times! Lord, please protect those young lives. And please open the eyes of the leaders so they will really know how to reach them better. Humble the leaders, Lord. PLEASE. And humble me.
Amen.

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POST #1: Dealing with Fakeness–
I don’t know about anyone else, but I am having a hard time dealing with people being completely fake. People who are trying to be something they aren’t. People who are trying to convince the world that everything is fine and dandy and that they don’t need help, but it’s obvious that things are very wrong. People who are trying to be a friend to your face, but then stab you in the back…HARD. I have been one or all of these examples in my past. I get it~ I get that none of us are completely real ALL of the time. I have been fake here or there in my life, no doubt.
It all boils down to MOTIVE. What is the motive? Where does the motive come from? Who sees the motives?
There is a great quote by Reggie McNeal in his book called ‘A Work of Heart’ that says, “The call of God in the days ahead will not grant a person automatic privilege or power but rather potential persecution and certain pain.” I love this quote. I think that there are too many leaders in our churches today that think because they hold the title of ‘minister’ or ‘christian’ they are granted automatic power of some kind. I love what McNeal is pointing out here…that with that title, comes much pain and persecution. I know that my husband felt a lot of persecution in his days of ministry! So much, that as his wife, I asked him to step out for a while so that we could heal and renew our hearts~we were so full of bitterness and hurt. That was the best thing we could have done for ourselves spiritually. I think there are other ministers that desperately need to do the same thing. But for whatever reason, they continue to minister with a mask on, pretending that all is good–which only encourages the people of the church to live with their mask on as well. I pray for them.
What makes someone think that being fake is ok? Why do we act that way? Again, it comes down to motives of the heart. In Galatians chapter two it talks about Peter not wanting to eat with certain people because they were different. Eventually, others started following his (bad) example. This is the danger in serving with the wrong motives. Others will follow a leader completely blind to the agenda being played out. It’s scary~ and I’ve seen it over and over again. Young christians wanting acceptance in the church—that is the most common one that I’ve seen. They will follow the leader hoping to find their ‘nitch’ in the church, but after being used and abused, they turn away and become very frustrated with churches in general.

So…what am I going to do with this personal challenge of mine? I want to work on myself. I want to be more genuine, more concerned, more sincere, more of everything that is good. I have a lot to give — God has shown me that through the years — but I want to give out of the right motives. I don’t want to think about what I can get out of serving the church.

I love this wonderful verse that brings so much hope to those (including myself) who have screwed up:
The Lord redeems his servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.(Ps.34:22)